Happpy Fourth!

I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Fourth of July!

TD-100th Commentor

Happy Birthday!

You know I wrote my last post and almost forgot that today is my birthday! Wow, happy birthday to me! 43 years ago Mrs. Williams gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and they named him Douglas Archie Williams. Douglas because of General Douglas MacArthur and Archie after one of the best man in the world, my Grandfather. I was proud of my name, but because of the age of my middle name, I hid it for awhile. Only a select few ever knew it. Not that I was ashamed of my Granddad, but because it was an older persons name, and I knew that it would provoke Archie comic references and Archie Bunker references.

When I graduated High School my principal knew my Granddad as a good man, and when I asked that he leave off my middle name when he called on me, he rebuked me by saying he would not. When he announced my name during graduation practice the class laughed. Remember this was over 300 of my peers and I believe all of them were laughing. My principal looked across the room and said, “Doug was named after his Grandfather, and he is one of the best man that I have ever met. Any of you would be blessed to be named after such a man.” Oh man, my chest swelled and sank at the same time. He was right, I was blessed to have that name and I have never used it. I was always hiding it from everyone.

I know that my Granddad was proud that I was named after him, and I believe that he would have liked me to have used it at one time. My mom would use it when I got into trouble, so I heard it a lot, just did not go by it. Douglas Archie Williams! Was her cry, I knew that I was in trouble when I heard my middle name. I always thought that is what middle names were for. My Granddad told her that if see kept doing that then I will grow up thinking that is a cuss word. If so many people didn’t know me as Doug I would gladly go by Archie now. It is funny how we mature and we see reasons to things that we had no clue about in the past.

So, it is my 43rd birthday nothing special, no celebration really. Just having the kids around and being with family is really the best thing. If you see me you can call me Archie I will answer, it is not a bad word afterall.

 

D.

Rambling Thoughts

There are so many things that I would like to talk about that has been running through my mind. How drugs have ate away parts of my brain leaving me to have some mental issues, such as depression, anxiety, etc. I know this but it is hard to hear anyone tell me this. I have had an IQ test and while I scored above normal on it, I still feel insecure in my intellect. The growth that God has allowed and the understanding that my struggles with my past are a part of me. God has opened my eyes to the fact that this allows growth and allows me to help others that have not experienced what I have. He allowed me to come out of it stronger then some. Also He has allowed me to come out of it alive. I know a lot of people that did not make it out alive, I also know some that are walking vegetables. Instead of wondering anymore ‘Why me?’ I praise God in the fact that He chose me for so much more. I question still the reasoning behind it, but if I have picked one person out of the slime and garbage of this hell then I have done His will.

I still feel at times that I just want out of here. That I want Him to take me away from all of this temptation and sorrow that clutters my world. But I am coming more to a realization that this is selfishness on my part. Not wanting to stand up anymore and fight the good fight. Growing tired of not living by the worlds standard, and having to stand up for my belief that God is working. It is hard to even let your Christian brothers and sisters know that you have faith that God is working and that growth is coming in His time and it might not be as fast as we hope. I do all that I can do, and after that God does the rest.

I live one day at a time, everyday is an experience. It might be my faults drudged up from something I said in my past, coming back to haunt me. It might be withdrawals, I might wake up feeling depressed and hoping just to make it through the day. Some days it might be my back, or of course new problems arise that must be faced even though, at times, I do not have the energy to pick myself up and get it done. Sometimes it might be the best day of my life thus far. I never know, some days I dread, some days I relish the thought of being a part of it, even though they might turn out to be one of the worse. I guess looking at what I am saying I do not always live one day at a time. If I did the days that I dread would be taken as they are given until I see the outcome of what God has in mind. Same with the days I feel are going to be good ones.

Living one day at a time is really living hour by hour, minute by minute, and actually second by second. Accepting what God has to offer by grace or trials, and knowing that He will work all things to His good. He has taken care of me so far, so why doubt what His plan for me might be? We live in two worlds and we cannot have them both. We live in the life of the Spirit, and we live in the conception of men’s world. Men’s world has little to offer; impatience, jealousy, etc. Too much emphasis on our earthly idols such as: work, TV, news, gossip, items that will further our success in the eyes of men. We focus too much on the ways of the world and not allowing the ways of God. We are brought up in our misconception of what is always right and wrong, our misconception of this earthly realm and what God can truly achieve in our lives.

God can use any of us in any way that he sees fit. Rather we kick against it His will is important and it will be done. Rather we are far away from Him, or feel like we are close to Him, He allows us to be used to further His work. We release ourselves from the people that we have worked with and has walked away from us, they could not have walked away from God. If He works in them it wasn’t our work God used us in such a way that we cannot fathom. If He does not open the door for them exclusively, then He will use them in another way. We do not see how the work is done, or what it was, it is not always ours to know. Another one of men’s worldly ways is curiosity, which is not always a bad thing, but as with anything can be misused.

We usually use everything in moderation to excuse us to indulge in a little drink now and then, but we do not always think of it as our thoughts, or our actions. The feelings that we have are normal, but in moderation and with control are we able to strengthen our spiritual side.

As I said earlier thoughts are just rambling around in my head I pray that these rantings made some kind of sense. It helped me to put it out so that I might be able to see, I hope that some of this might have helped you, or if I was misguided in any of them that you might put me on the right track.

 

D.

Life Happens

Life happens to us constantly. You wake up thinking that the day will be the same old same old, and then BAM something happens to change your life forever. The tornadoes that went through the Boy Scout camp in Iowa, killing 5. The floods that are throughout the Midwest. People dying from natural causes and some from unnatural causes. The climate change, the wars, our society seem besieged with violence and selfish acts. New drug abuse, child abuse, divorce rate going up where we are no longer shocked when we hear about them, school shootings. I do not mean to sound like a doomsday prophet, or doomsayer. There is so much that we have to be thankful for, and most of our days are filled with joy.

It is when tragedy hits that we have taken everything else for granted, and we are not ready for the tragedies that befall us. Growing up I have always heard through every decade, the world is getting so bad, surely this is the end of time. Christ return is surely imminent. It is important to know that for one, men cannot destroy the earth, but we must do what we can. America is a loving Nation, even if that love is misplaced sometimes, but we are not the promised Nation. God’s message is for everyone, Iraq, Canada, Mexico, conformist, communist, and so on. Until we can look inward and stop looking outward, can we receive peace. We will always have struggles and questions of why. People suffer everyday with some sort of loss or devastation, some have been blessed to never experience any sort of horrendous thing, but it can happen any day.

Let us not take anything that God has given us for granted. Let us lean on Him and be thankful everyday, this means even if you are having a bad day at work, at the shopping center, at home, wherever. We are not promised anything on this earth, so be thankful for what has been received. We go sometimes without anything more then bread and possibly something to make a sandwich. Sometimes I have to sell some of my material items to make it through. Sometimes I have to lower myself to ask for help. But we have so much to be thankful for. God gave me those material items, so I know that I can use them to help us out and hopefully use them to help others in return.

I still have memories of close friends, and family that have gone away from me. Sometimes I have dreams that seem so real, I wake up with a heavy heart. Missing them is part of it, jealousy plays another role, and selfishness also is thrown into the mix. I miss the times that we had on this earth, and with a degree of regret that I did not enjoy them as I should have. I am jealous that they left this earthly realm, and are prayerfully in a better place. I am selfish combining my jealousy and the hope that I will leave this earth too, that I might escape all that holds me here. I am thankful because God has kept me here for my family, and that prayerfully I might see my kids grow, and be with them while I grow older. My wife would be devastated that I have gone on before her, because she would miss me.

I worked with an older gentleman at one time, who was a Church member. He had cancer, it was in remission at the time I knew him. He said that he would hope that his wife would go first. He did not mean this in a bad way, what he meant was he thought that it would be harder on his wife then him. Because he had faith that they will see each other again. She had been sick also and he had always taken care of her. Last time I visited that congregation, I had found that he had already passed away. His wife looked beyond her years, weight loss, sit alone, yet when I talked to her and when she mentioned him a smile was wide across her face.

Noreen and I have never lost a child. Noreen has never lost anyone close to her yet, God has blessed her in this. But her worry is still there, as mine is at times because we never know what tomorrow might bring. She has told me sometimes with tears in her eyes, that the kids were a gift from God and they never were hers in the first place. They are God’s and if anything ever happened to them she would have to look at it like that. She says that is the way she has conditioned herself in case anything ever does. She knows that she would be sad, and does not truthfully know how she would handle such devastating news, but she clings to that knowledge.

Day in and day out, things change and shapes our lives in ways that we can never understand. Jesus could come back today, just as He could have come back in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s etc. He could come back tomorrow if it be God’s will. ‘No one knows what tomorrow may bring, do all in the name of the Lord.’ If we live like this, where is the worry that these might be ‘the end of days’? I struggle with many things, as we all have struggles with different things, and they are all struggles to each of us. Rather they are small to someone else, or so huge that we could not even fathom experiencing something as devastating as this. I used to cringe when preachers, or anyone for that matter, would pray that Jesus comes soon. I would think, ‘wait I am not ready yet.’ and ‘ How dare you pray that prayer? I need more time.’ Now I pray it, but I still think about those who are not yet ready, and are still struggling.

Life happens to us all, sometimes good news rings in our ears, having us rejoice in the Lord. Sometimes we receive bad news that leaves us questioning God about our blessings. Take a moment today to see all of the things that God has offered. Take a moment to offer a prayer for the hurting, and offer praise to Him that is more then faithful.

D.

New Road, Old Strangers

As I still struggle and I see others that are doing well with their addictions. I rattle around in my head about what I am doing wrong. Sometimes I feel like Job when people offer advice and just tell me that I am not relying on God to help me through. That I am so far away from God that I do not allow him to work and have faith. I have heard, ‘If you truly have faith that God is in control then how can you still struggle?’ I know that I have faith in God. I know that these people do not understand my journey with God no matter how I explain it there seems that there has to be words between the lines. I can assure you that there is not. People can pick apart what I say and put in what they think that I mean all day long, but the truth is I have already said what I meant.

I do not have it all down, I know that. But again I ask, why do I still struggle? We can never give enough to God I know that also. My mind is irrational at times, rattled with thoughts. So tired sometimes, that I do not feel like I am fully functioning. I am not in a dark place, light surrounds me, I feel it, I desire it. Yet sometimes I catch myself fumbling for the light switch to turn it off. I know that this is the reason that some people want to dissect what I am saying because it sounds so contradictory. But I am in a battle with flesh vs Spirit. I want to hide for just a little bit. I get this nagging feeling of just some me time. No worries about what is right and what is wrong, just letting my hair down, figuratively speaking, and just stop feeling like I am under a microscope not just by humans, but by God also.

I want to pull the proverbial blanket over my head and enjoy a world that no one can see my faults. If I fight against my old god and my one true God, then which do I serve? I wonder at times if they can share me. One can have my body and the other my soul. But it does not work like that, does it? God wants me mind, heart, body and soul. The other wants my mind, my flesh, it also wants to eat my soul, devour it whole. I desire to run so far away and just not look back.

I give advice to those traveling away as I am, sometimes I get advice that is as simple as turn to God, I have talked friends out of doing it that are curious. I put myself out in the open where it is not just a matter of sneaking it anymore. I cannot indulge myself a little, because of every ones support, because God can see me. I can lie to others but not Him. I can’t even lie to others anymore. I feel drained, I feel so tired fighting. Everyone I see that I know are using, not just speed but pills or anything, I desire to follow them and get to know them. I don’t but there is that draw.

I feel like I have a new life. I know that I have a new life. I have Christian friends that I have been searching for, I have a wife that keeps me on the straight and narrow, great kids, my one friend that lives close by that has never done drugs, and will not allow me to go back. I feel trapped. I do not feel like this is my world. I have grown up in such a different world, that this is foreign to me. I have to pick my drug of choice, I have to pick from this world or my old world. It is easy because I have actually looked at all that I would have to give up. I have tied to weigh the pros and cons of each world. The scales start off uneven because my past god weighs pretty heavy on the other side. Litter of a past life weighs in on that side. False love, escape, loneliness. It all becomes a dirty, filthy garbage filled side. While on the other side of the scale is clean and white offering me so much more. A journey that has really just begun. Yet the trashy side still has it’s appeal. I pray that He will take away the temptation, I pray that He will show me the road He wants me on. Yet I get bogged down. The road becomes wet red clay where my feet are stuck with every step. My shoes slide off and I still stumble on.

My selfishness wants to know why me? Why did I come out like this? Two years this November, but I cannot really count that anymore since I abused pills again 3 or 4 months ago. My mind is so cluttered that I do not have a new beginning date. Or I just don’t care. I am not using, I guess that is good enough. Am I doing something wrong that God’s love is not enough for me? Meaning, am I not allowing God to carry me? I feel like I am doing what I can. I just feel so alone sometimes. Surrounded by love, Noreen holds me tight, the kids make me smile, Dusty, Jason, and other Church members give me comfort, yet I look around and in my minds eye I see no one.  Just a new road littered with old strangers.

 

D.

‘

Anorexia

There is a group named Showbread, they are a Christian rock group and I have just now discovered them. I recommend if you are going to try them out to check out Anorexia, and then the follow up to the story Nervosa. I have the Anorexia CD now, and just finished listening/reading it.

It is a story about two sisters; Anorexia and Nervosa. The music acts as a backdrop. I felt like I had to share the story. I have not bought Nervosa yet, so I do not know her story but I thought that I would go ahead and share the first story with you. This is a story written by the vocalist Josh Dies. Spoiler alert if you are planning on getting this CD.

The Journey is the beginning and it starts off with Anorexia building a tower to the sky. She wants to be miles above everyone else in the world. A short distance she sees her sister, Nervosa, digging a hole. Anorexia looks at her sister in disgust. What is really happening is Anorexia is opening a center for sick and dying children, she has offered her sister a job, but she turned her down. Anorexia is relieved silently, and is thankful that her sister goes back to her sordid place of business.

As Anorexia is building her tower, she becomes tired and leans back on her rocks and says: “My efforts will not be in vain” About that time a vulture lighted next to her, and tells her there is so much work to build a mighty tower. But Anorexia tells the vulture that when she reaches the sky she will be happy. The vulture asks her what is in the sky that will make you happy? She replied smiling, ‘I will see when I get there.’ The vulture laughed as he flew away.

Anorexia pleads looking up to the air, ‘How much work is required before I reach the sky?’ She was still determined and feels like the sky has underestimated her work and she will reach it even if it kills her. What is really happening is children are dying, and she is spending Sunday morning surrounded by weeping strangers. She states that people are raging against whatever ghostly power has robbed the world of the sick children. But she feels like the children were born to die and continues on her work.

She is still engorged with disgust at her sister who she looks down on from her tower, still digging in vain. A pig comes up to her, and says that she should rest, indulge herself in rest. She refuses, so the pig says if not indulgence then decadence. He then grabs her, almost pulled into the soft song of the pig, she refuses. This was about an offer to converge her clinic with a bigger company, and the man trying to pursuade her. But she was intent on building her ‘tower’ to the sky. So that she will be known.

The flies came in a cloud to ensnare her, yet she refused to let them win. She grabbed fistfuls of them and ate them. This part deals with a child that is very sick and needed to be held down to be given a shot. The men helping hold him down wipe their hands like this would take care of the disease. As they are holding the boy down, the boy grabs the needle and plunges it into Anorexia’s arm. She has become infected.

The goat comes up to her and tells her how beautiful her tower has become. He tells her that this is the way to the sky. She agrees but she feels a discomfort with the goat being there, so she continues building. The goat catches up to her and says, you know why I love you? She tells him, you don’t even know me. The goat replies that he knows all of his children and they know him. They are all like him because they love themselves. She refuses to believe that she is like the goat and continues on. She had forgotten her sister, thinking that her sister has wasted her life, that she had taken the wrong route. She felt that the way out is up not down. Then she thought out of where? The test came back positive she was infected. She decided to merge with the bigger corporation so her name will be remembered in Churces, monuments would be erected, everyone will remember her legacy.

Close to death she looks out of her tower to realize that it was just a few inches off the ground. She lays her hand down to touch the ground and is questioning everything that she has done. She reaches up to the sky to be awarded by something but returns with nothing.

The Lamb comes to her and says that He does not want her to die. She asks why, because she doesn’t even know Him. Why would He want her to live? He said because I love you. He said I will carry you. She tells Him that if He carries her He will surely die, because He is so meek and lowly.  When she wakes up she sees her sister beside her just as beautiful as she remembers. She looks at the Lamb and He is not breathing, she goes over to Him and He awakes. She asks Him why He did such a thing? She has never even seen Him. He replies, ‘I have always been here. You have not noticed me.’ He said I love you. She replied, ‘What is there in me ot love? I have wasted my life on selfishness, working toward a goal that meant nothing. What is there in me that you could love?’  “There is simply you” The Lamb replied. ” And it is you that I love, just as you were, are and as you will be.”

D.

 

 

 

 

 

My Wife of Noble Character

I was studying Proverbs in my spiritual journey with God. I prayed and communed with my Lord and afterwards I rested with Him. As soon as I got through I prayed a short prayer for Him to talk to me through His word, I opened up to Proverbs 31:10 I read the remaining chapter, and it put a smile on my face.

Nee-Nee has been struggling with the apartments, my depression, my addiction, workers comp and the lawyers involved. I do not worry, externally anyway, and with hers it is pretty evident when she is down. For right or wrong this bothers me sometimes, because as Dusty and I discussed this he helped me realize that when I hear the worries or complaints it just validates my worries and I would rather not hear about it. Not that I want to ignore it, because I don’t. My way of thinking is that I am doing everything that I can do so why worry. The thing I worry about is when I have procrastinated and have not done everything that I could have. THIS is what I want to ignore, because that means I haven’t held up my part of the bargain. So I thought that it was fitting when I was directed to this piece of scripture.

As you may know this Proverb is talking about praise to the woman who fears the Lord, or as the NIV states the wife of noble character. When Noreen came in from cleaning one of the apartments for a break I read her verse 29-’ “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” ‘ She said she does not know about that but thanks. I told her about my study and told her that she can’t argue with God, so she politely said, thank you.

I don’t feel like I comfort her enough. I don’t feel like I support her enough. Do not get me wrong, I try and support her or discuss with her everything. I just can do better. With all of my problems and all of her help I feel like I overlook her a lot. So this is to my Nee-Nee, the one that works manually to support us, the one that works mentally to help me, and the one that works spiritually so we can grow. She does so much that she has no time for herself. This might not be as pretty as the Proverb, or anything in the Bible, but it isn’t meant to be. It is words that express my feelings for my Nee-Nee. You can read it also if you like, but it might get a little mushy.

You have always been there for me with a heart of gold. You grow so tired and weary yet you always are lifted up by Him. You continue your struggles day in and day out, when you share these with me I pray that I listen with open ears and that God touches my heart to not let it turn back to me, but instead hands me words of comfort. I want you to know that I share your tears when I try and stop them. I fight with myself that I have not comforted you or that I cannot magically erase your fears. So let me just hold you for I believe that is why God gave us to each other.

You received a life that you did not ask for, yet you throw yourself full hearted into what was given. When we come home from Church you are so overwhelmed that you can talk about God and His grace for hours. I love that about you. As a pearl is one out of thousands of oysters, God has graciously directed me to this one pearl. You brighten my day just by walking into the room, that is why I call you Sunshine. You are my life line, my heart, without you I would be stranded and surely die.

This part of our life is just another chapter that will pass. It will be up to God to let us know when the next chapter is ready. So let us hold on to each other, enjoy each other and the blessings that we are given. Through tears and smiles I get lost in you, ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’

There is so much more to say about how you make me feel and what you mean to me, but my heart holds them deep and words cannot express them, I just pray that you can catch a glimpse of what lies inside.

Noreen I love you with all my being and I am so blessed that you are my wife,

D.

 

 

Graves Beyond Windows

I need help. I need some advice on my travels. I question daily on my travels about how I can use this hell called addiction to benefit others. How can I help others when I still crave, while I am still so sick I fester with thoughts of using daily. I can hide it from Noreen and you, but it doesn’t mean that my mind isn’t churning with thoughts that are devastating to me. There is a wrestler who was suspended for drug use, his body build and hyperness does not suggest steroids but more of speed. He returned from his suspension with an apology for his bad actions. I told you of a rock star that quit and I was candid with my thoughts about him getting rid of the last of his stash. I hear of movie stars, sport stars, regular people that quit and seek help to stay away from it. I read about people that are given second chances after a drug test and when they return they have the choice of staying clean or giving up their lively hood. All I can think of is how horrible not to be able to do drugs ever again.

I then look at myself and realize that I cannot do drugs ever again because too much is at stake. I do not put myself in that class though, I feel like I am always opened to doing drugs again. Even though I know that I am not ever going to use again, but I am tempted. It has been offered to me before and I turned it down, I look back at that time and think of myself as stupid for not getting away with it. I overdosed on my psychological medication, and now I know that I will not do that again, but I cannot get myself to feel sorry that I did. Am I moving backwards? How can I help others when my struggle is still there? What can I say to someone that I might not feel empathy for? I do not want anyone to go through the hell of addiction, sometimes I feel that it is better to use then to stop and go through this. But then again, there are times that I am happy to go through this and not feel like I am dying everyday, pushing myself to that fine line of an overdose. Relax in the feeling of a freedom and a natural high. It is just when I feel a natural high, I want to get higher. This might not make sense to some of you, but these contradictions of thoughts are killing me.

As most of you know I also suffer with chronic pain in my back, I have found out that some of it deals with my workouts and the lifting that I have done. But drugs also effect your skeletal structure. I told Nee-Nee just shoot me and get me out of my misery. Mostly a joke, but when I know that I cannot have narcotics because it will be an instant addiction to me, I get sad and withdrawn knowing what I have done to myself and this is just part of a consequence to my past actions. Every time that I think that I have this licked I am reminded that I don’t. I have learned to look at death so different then I used to. I used to fear it, at times I welcomed it. Now I am neutral, when it happens I am ready, but only when God wants me.

That is another thing, why has God saved me so many times from myself? While I have watched friends and loved ones die, and I remain feeling guilty that it wasn’t me. What purpose do I have? I do not truly know how to use my survival to help others. I am either too hard core in my recollections, or I turn and sugar coat the whole thing saying God will provide the help, when I know for sure and certain an addict does not always feel that. I do know that I do not have the power to turn you into a user, if you become a user it is not my fault, just as I cannot blame others for me using. If you turn away from drugs or are an addict and my words somehow help, then that is not my glory either, it is God’s. I understand this to an extent, but I pray that God is guiding me in this. I pray that He uses me, but I am so lowly. It is so hard to move on, and a post here or there…does it really help?

People that are addicts that might read my thoughts and my travel to recovery are dead inside. They are looking into my little glass world, but that does not always help. I cannot fill the emptiness that is in their life. Some scream to be inside with me, some scream to stay outside. I am nothing, and I know that I cannot stop God from using me anyway that He chooses, I just pray that I am making the right choices. He saved me from so much, I am absolutely sure that He wants to use me, yet I feel like my eyes are closed and that I am just waving my arms around trying to get help to others. While all the time darkness invades me, tries to fool me into thinking how one more time will not hurt me. That how can I possibly believe that I will never use again?

I do not believe that keeping my mouth shut about the struggles will help. I have traveled this road with many people picking me up and not judging but chastising in brotherly love. I need that, I am still growing. I do not know if I made any point in this post, I am actually asking these questions hoping for some guidance. God has given me a gift of life, and I do not know exactly why, or what I am supposed to do with it. I do not want to waste it, it took several times for Him to save me before I finally saw it. I do not want to lose it, The reason that I am so candid is if I was not then there is a chance I will slowly paint my windows black, and not allow anyone to know what I am doing. This is my saving grace, to tell you how I am doing, faults and all. If I tell you everyday is great then an addict will know that I am lying, someone using will have an excuse to continue using because he/she will feel like it will be easy to quit when they are good and ready.

I have rambled through this post, please help me with any advice you have on this. How would you use it? Is there other avenues that I can branch off and use? Any answer to any question that I had through this post please feel free to answer. I am at a low point, I am tired, I am confused more today then some days and this might pass, but right now I need help, please.

D.

Looking Back to The Corpse of Yesterday-Reflections 7

It was the winter of 1985, I was twenty years old. I was riding high in so many different ways. Mostly literally high, some memories are fuzzy, some will stick with me for the rest of my life. I was still working at the pool hall; hustling, boozing, getting stoned, and getting any woman that I wanted. Some people would think that would be the life, but inside I was dead. I had no feelings to offer anyone. There was only one person that knew me, only one that I would let know the real me. For others I had a facade, becoming a chameleon to whatever they expected me to be. At the same time there was something in common toward everyone, don’t get close to me.

I would hang out with anyone that would get me high. I went on dates because I was promised a high during or after the date. I have not any recollection of most of the girls names, and they would mostly get upset when I would not call them. I got to the point where I did not care if I hurt them or not. This was not me, I am a pretty sensitive guy always have been, but not at that time. I would act like I cared, I would go as far as apologizing just to turn around and lie to them in the same breath. I had several girls flip me off in town as I drove by, I would just make them feel worse by flippant remarks. The owners wife had propositioned me once, I turned her down. I guess I had a little conscience left, but just a little.

I would wake up do some coke, or meth. I would end the day, the next morning actually, around 1:00 or 2:00 am freebasing. Sometimes roller coasting on a joint laced with meth, or coke. Waking up at a friends house doing a witch’s brew, which I will not explain what that is here but it would be a powerful high. I was seeing a married woman around that time, I made excuses because her husband was abusive. He knew about me, and used to be a good friend of mine in school. The thing is I really started caring about her, and my feelings for him began to wane. He called me one time as he was beating her, telling me to save her if I could. I got in my car and as I got to their house he was already leaving with her in tow. I was very mad, and blinded to the fact that I was part of the problem not the solution.

He and I got into it a couple of times they divorced and she moved away. She was the only girl that I would drop everything for at that time. When she called to let me know she would be in town I would make up some lame excuse to break a date just to go see her. She did not do drugs but I was always loaded, not that she cared, she just wanted to see me. I knew her since we were both kids and I used to date her sister when I was in school, but we always had an attraction to each other. She was dealing with a lot of her own about her past. Her dad was abusive and drank, she was raped by her uncle, the same one that raped me when I was younger. But at that time we just dealt with what happened and lived in the present the best we could. She will pop up again as I re-tell my story, I will refer to her as ‘Sandy’ from now on.

As I continued in this lifestyle I was losing who I truly was. Every girl that I did fall for would eventually leave me, adding to more pain and having me hide a little deeper within myself. I trusted my own little group, but everyone else was put under a microscope. I had seen so many things, and scams that I knew better then to trust anyone.

My mother had a lot of pharmaceuticals in the cabinet because of her illness’, ever since I was younger I experimented with her pills. She had so many that she never knew. I was getting more pills from other sources also. Hydrocodone, Oxycodone, Percocet, Xanax, Quaalude, Ecstasy, the list could go on but if you notice they were mostly downers, I liked to mix them with meth and coke to escape even further. I did not know who I was anymore, if anyone asked me who the real Doug was I could not tell them the truth, I would just say what you see is what you get. Kind of like saying, do not confuse garbage with trash. There is a fine line.

As I look back to those times I see that my company helped me to be what I was becoming, just as I was helping them to grow into what they were becoming. I was a shell inside and out, hollow. I tried to care about people but I was really getting hurt every time I attempted. I was a walking contradiction, I would hurt people but I did not want to hurt anyone. I was in love with being in love, none of my relationships would last more then a month because I would sabotage it around that point. I would be hurt and then move on to the next. Different girls had different aspects that I admired about them, or that drew me to them. And then when they did not turn out to be what I expected I would lose interest.

I think that the lesson I learned from all of this came back to bite me in the following years until I broke all the way not caring at all. But that is the next chapter in my life. I did learn that I was becoming a true druggie that did not get any respect, after all I did not deserve any. Rumors abounded about me, mostly true. I don’t know what some people expect I am today or even if they know I am still alive. I did not know it then, but I realize it now more then ever, you are what group you hang with. There is not any individuality, though I searched and tried to be someone different I never succeeded. Many heads are just like I was, many addicts are what I am, many Christians are searching as am I. We need groups to lean on, to realize what we are going through. To offer a hand now and then, someone, as Rick Atchley said, to be accountable to.

This can work for you or against you. If someone wants out of a wretched lifestyle then there are people that will be there for you. If you want to wallow in self pity and lead a destructive lifestyle, there will be people that are there for you. Only difference that I have found is that the pity group eventually disintegrates, through death, escaping where people can no longer find them, or maturity. The self pity group can understand where you are and will be there for you, but when self faces self one has to lose. A Christian family is there for you truly committed that you do not bury yourself in the grave of yesterday.

D.

 

Eclipsed By The Son

I walk with a Father that loves me. I stumble He picks me up. He lets me learn by my mistakes. I ask for treasures concerning the soul, He has me earn them, and is willing to give freely. He opens my eyes to the beauty of the day even when storm clouds surround me. He keeps a thorn in my side to remind me of my life away from Him. He never promised me an easy walk, but He has promised me nothing more then I can handle while I am with Him. He has given me a choice to live for Him or to be pulled into a world that does not understand His love and what love truly is. I am eclipsed by the Son, knowing fully that I do not deserve to be, that is love that we cannot fathom.

I throw temper tantrums at my Fathers feet because He does not treat me right or give me the things I think I deserve. All the time patiently waiting for me to stop and take a deep breath to understand that He has given me what I need and more then I deserve. He has treated me more then fair. I am His favorite, He looks down on me and says how precious I am to Him. Then He turns to others and tells them that they are His favorite and how precious they are to Him. He makes me understand that I am here just as are all His children. He lets me know that sharing His love is better then burying it and hording it for myself. Where is the joy in hiding this wonderful love?

Dark days come while on this earth, but I am eclipsed by the Son and a promise of a better life because of His light.

D.